Heartache

Last year, Pastor Park, a music pastor from Altus Methodist Church, offered me a chance to learn piano. First, I hesitated. Because I knew he was very rigorous teach when he talk about his music to other people. But I thought it would be wonderful chance for me. If I learn more piano skills now, then I could develop myself and play better in future. So I accepted this challenging opportunity. But yesterday, I almost regretted the fact that I grabbed his free lesson.
Pastor Park drives to Lawton on every Saturday and teaches recorder, piano, and vocal music. So far, it has been more than six months that I am having lesson from him. We usually focused on the expression of the composer’s ideas through the music. But I had a trouble to express their ideas, so Pastor Park tried to explain how to open my heart and actually play music with the composer’s ideas and feelings. However, he occasionally became so upset and began to scream at me. It happened again and yesterday, I could not stop my tears. I guess I was not good enough to him, so he yelled to me as usually. Then he said, “Your music is trash.” When I heard that word, felt like I was on the fire. Sometimes, he seemed very rude when he teaches his music, but yesterday’s his attitude was the worst. I clenched my teeth to not to drop a tear in front of Pastor Park. But I could not hold my tears no longer when my lesson was over. I turned my back to him and began to cry out loud. My heart was broken. Especially his words and attitudes hurt my heart. However, I did not cry because of him. I had other reason why I could not stop my tears.
I cared about piano as like it was my best friend and I even enjoyed the moments when I am playing on the piano. But the more I played and learned about the piano, the more I became unhappier. It is too difficult for me to express the ideas of young composer Beethoven. I wanted to be happy when I am on the piano. Also this was not what I expected when Pastor Park offered me an opportunity. It seemed like I was standing at the end of the road. Also I felt like I can’t go forward anymore even though I have not reached my goal yet. It was this emotion that I could not control and made me to cry another two hours.
Now, I know I can’t convince myself that I still love to play a piano, like I use to be. But I will keep playing piano and find an answer for me whether I can overcome this heartbreak and express Beethoven’s feelings in my style. I will not give up. So from now on, I am challenging myself.